Tuesday, October 7, 2003 01:21 p.m.
was reading zbnow and came across this article which made my tears start flowing..even though i don't know this guy personally, i really feel so sad for him. perhaps it's musician empathy? just feel it's so wasted. his whole career gone. all cos of some freak accident. maybe it was just that my mom was asking me about SCM and then i went to flip open the chinese papers. i feel so darn sad. i guess it's time i start picking up my violin proper.

弦外之音的力量－胡文雁

我和林庆利素未谋面，只知道他以拉小提琴为生，除了演奏，也教学。

林抒真（新加坡交响乐团第一小提琴手）带我见他的时候，他已经出意外了，颈部以下身体瘫痪，躺在床上动也不能动，在医院已经住了3个多月。 　　

我去见他，其实有点心理障碍，因为我不知道该以怎样的姿态去面对一个刚刚遭逢剧变的年轻人，很多话我问不出口，一切安慰的言语也显得空洞和多余。我是应该对着他笑，还是哭？ 　　

我没有哭，因为林庆利还懂得笑。他仿佛已经走出生命最黑暗的时刻，可以冷静面对所有的残酷与不幸。他缓缓诉说他的遭遇，讲到最后，他说：“我不再能面对音乐，它会勾起我很多伤心的回忆。”我听了，直想掉泪，但后来还是忍住了。在病人面前，记者不应该表现软弱。 　　

我不是音乐家，但我知道要成为音乐家是多么不容易的事情，除了天分，还要有超强的毅力和刻苦精神，长时间的训练往往是枯燥而严谨的，生活必须很有纪律才能持之以恒，最终还得经历许多的挫败，才能练出一身扎实的功夫来。 　　

林庆利据说家境并不富裕，为了学小提琴，他靠自己打工赚钱缴学费，好不容易才有今天的成绩，但因为一场意外，他现在连琴弓都拿不起来，更何况是拉琴？难怪他说不再能面对音乐，对一个一心一意苦学成功的小提琴家来说，一双手废了，也就等于生命走向残缺，那是比身体的残缺还要可怕的事情。 　　

我不是林庆利，但我可以感受他的绝望，但除了把他的故事写出来，希望有更多人买票去听一场为他而办的音乐会外，我还能为他做些什么？ 　　

报道出来后，有心人问我，庆利到底出了什么意外？我在文章里刻意带过不写是有原因的，因为我觉得那场意外对生命是很大的嘲弄，写出来太令人难以承受。 　　

事情发生在林庆利30岁生日那天，他和一班朋友热闹庆祝，兴之所至往泳池里一跳，没想到即生意外，昏迷几天后醒来什么都结束了。庆生会变成是活着的梦魇，命运还能更作弄人吗？ 　　

一班音乐界的朋友为表示对庆利的心意，同时给他筹集医药费，上星期天为他开了一场室内音乐会，我特意去捧场，非常受感动。简陋的舞台空荡荡，却盛载患难与共的真情厚意，平素只管拉琴的演奏家包办招待、宣传、拉幕、报幕、场务，还要自己动手排椅子、搬谱架。专业靠拉琴为生的一伙人，演奏分文未取，反过来要出钱出力，只为着要给还躺在床上的朋友打气和鼓励。可惜庆利未能到场，否则他一定能感受到那飘然的弦外之音含有一股巨大的力量。 　　

我绝对相信音乐是神圣的，能抚平身心的痛苦和创伤，带给人勇气与希望。庆利是音乐家，他应该更明白这个道理。现在他可能真的无法面对音乐，但总有一天，他一定可以从琴声中找回自己。

Tuesday, October 7, 2003 12:07 a.m.
bah. i'm not going to school tomorrow which explains why i'm awake. =) came home for a nice sleep, then finished my crisis of communism finally. i have this feeling that i'd forget some stuff by the time history paper arrives. my plan for tomorrow is to finish my m4m revision and maybe do a little of ariel. i haven't started on math. i should, well, if i don't get a bad F i'd be quite happy already. i just hope i don't regret on sunday that i didn't do any math practice. knowing how influential my fickle-minded friend can be. haha.
well initially i got a few friends to skip school with me tomorrow. unfortunately, kiat has to hand in some form to me-non so he'd be going to school. and the last time i checked, the half-sleepy girl is going to school as well. but shoeboxx won't be going. ah. seems like i'd be left to my own devices at home, not like it's a very big deal cos even if i go to school i'd be cutting classes like nobody's business. which is precisely what i have been doing for the whole of today. didn't go for math and chinese. cooped myself up to do history revision.
was quite pissed with my dad just now. and myself as well. i shall just forget about communicating with him, seriously. i was trying to tell him how chairman mao tse dong is a stupid guy. haha. how the hell am i supposed to know that my dad is so PRO-mao? he scolded me for saying that, and he says that i have a very limited understanding of china history. he claims that he has a deeper understanding of china history. Right. did i mention that my dad came from china? i would conclude that my dad is disillusioned by that mao personality cult which explains why he's so pRo-mao. yeah so what if mao was greatly respected? old dad!! that's the mao's personality cult at work!! my dad seems to think that mao did alot of great things, and without mao, there would be no china. well, granted that mao is a good revolutionary, but what about the reforms, i asked my dad. and he said that all his reforms were implemented by those people under him. well obviously, my dad has bought the story which mao offered--that the blame of the great leap forward should be shared by all ccp members, 'cos he's only a revolutionary.
Bloody disillusioned, hardline pro-mao supporter dad i have here. well, i still stick to my theory that the study of history is to learn about the stupidity of leaders and how they try to gain prestige for themselves--look at how mao tried to do it through the cultural revolution? oh yeah, i forgot to mention that my dad's argument is bloody flawed. he said mao was under Chiang ching's control that's why he had the cultural revolution. what bullshit. why would people respect a henpecked guy like mao? hm hm hm. deep understanding of china history u have there, dad. disgusting and revolting personality you have by being so stubborn.
oh dear. now we all know where those genes came from.

Sunday, October 5, 2003 01:48 a.m.
Ho! didn't get anything into my head after dear called. so. back to the point about me being able to leave thoughts of him out of my head. well. somehow when he calls and talks to me, everything comes back to me and i try to remember his face. how cool is that? bloody shit. my english sucks big time. it's absolutely revolting. my p6 students will be having their exams tomorrow (monday). hope they'd do their best. but then again, judging from how i write my own stuff, it's not that easy eh? hell. i just hope i haven't been just cheating their money. yup. i've been blogreading for the past hour or so. it's certainly time consuming.

Saturday, October 4, 2003 03:44 p.m.
to jan: sometimes things may not turn out the way you want them to be, but always remember that i'd always be here for you, and that u'd never be alone. cos even if i wanted to ignore you, i can't bring myself to forget such a prettttty lady like u..:) *leery grin* cheer up k? things will not be so bad after all. adults are complicated creatures, but u must remember that we are fast becoming adults too, and getting more and more complicated as well.oh dear. *peers above and tries to locate white hair* anyway,since u can't come out and meet me, here's something to sustain u with some love..i've posted this thing up before, but this will have to do since i can't find a more appropriate one..

HUGS
There's something in a simple hug
That always warms the heart;
It welcomes us back home
And makes it easier to part.

A hug's a way to share the joy,
and sad times we go through,
or just a way for friends to say
they like you 'cause you're you.

Hugs are meant for anyone
For whome we really care,
From your grandma to your neighbour,
or a cuddly teddy bear.

A hug is an amazing thing--
it's just the perfect way
to show the love we're feeling
but can't find the words to say.

It's funny how a little hug
makes everyone feel good;
in every place and language,
it's always understood.

And hugs don't need equipment
special batteries or parts--
just open up your arms
and open up your hearts.

-- Jill Wolf

okay girl? here's a mega powered *HUG* for ya..plus a not-so-muscular-shoulder-but-still-quite-comfortable-shoulder for up for grabs together with free tissue.. yup to all of you out there feeling down, here's to you too..

Friday, October 3, 2003 11:04 p.m.
it was a brILLAnt day today! during assembly, i thought our dear gp teacher signaled to us that there was no gp lesson.. so i didn't turn up for the 1st lesson. i went to the orch room to charge my phone, only to realise that there was gp lesson, like only half an hour later? in the end, i didn't go cos it was too late anyway. miscommunication. he was signalling to the class beside us that there was no lit lesson. oops.
had a relatively peaceful day after that. lesson ended at 1pm. woo0-hoo00O! i headed to btp and there was this horrible incident..saw this sec school junior of mine being unable to keep her hands off another guy from the school opposite. yucks. how sick.so i went up to her and told her to stop ruining the school's reputation. it's darn horrible cos alot of people were staring like those 2 people had grown whiskers on their faces. glad i did what i did or else i'd regret it for the whole of tonight. after that, met up with jan.. yeah gal..juz wanna say.. whatever that happens, just remember to remain calm always, don't get too affected by this sorta thing k? parents are quite hard to understand at times, so yeah..
kor broke up with his gf. and that woman actually had the audacity to sms me and ask me in a commanding tone to ask him what's wrong. i was a little pissed. and even more so when i sent her like 4 msges to ask her how she's feeling. wtf. i don't owe u anything, so don't waste my money. i'm glad u have broken up, stop bothering my kor and grow up for goodness sake. u think dying can solve things huh? u think that by telling him that u wanna die will cause him to start having feelings for you again? u slowly go wish. would u want a guy to pretend to have feelings for u just cos he pities u? what a desperado. sorry.. just need to let out some steam.. 2 desperate girls in one day is a little too much for me to bear.
i can't stand girls who throw themselves at their bfs. how bimbotic can they get? i'm not expecting guys to throw themselves at girls, but yeah, guys should be the one showing more love and affection. not the other way round. i just shudder all the time when i see girls trying to paw at guys. it's revolting. argh. *puipui puipuipui* maybe that's why i am slightly more cold blooded when it comes to this kinda outward showing of affection. cos i don't wanna be like those desperados. pity him sometimes cos maybe he wants me to show that i care more often, but like what i was telling jan, i'm someone who's able to isolate myself from my emotions, it's like if i don't talk to him for a week or so, i find myself having nothing much to say to him..or maybe it's just that i'm busy preparing for exams so can't really be that bothered about this kinda stuff.
my sis thinks i'm a flirt. hm. it's interesting why she says that, cos some pple told me that, but i told myself not to bother cos those 'pple' are really not worth my notice..so i asked her why, and she said, 'u just playing only what.. think i don't know..' and i'm like..hm. okay..maybe, i also dunno.. cos i'm feeling slightly alienated from the feeling of being in a relationship..and how the hell do u define a 'flirt'?

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 11:28 p.m.
oh gawd, it's children's day today. my dear gp teacher gave us the 2 hr period off. Woo-hoo. effectively went to school for TWO periods only. haha. econs followed by history. waited in school for 5th element to be done before heading to btp. sick of macs, absolutely. no more no more!! *waves hands*
and i'm starting to get sick of kfc also. just occurred to me that this is the 3rd time i'm eating kfc in the past 2 weeks, and it's only wednesday! *gasP* blarh. there's something terribly wrong with me. i just can't make myself sit down and do math. i tried doing that just now, eg: writing down formulas, and the furthest i reached was..binomial theorem. copying formulas only, goodness. i gave up and went on the measure for measure. and it was quite bad also, cos i realise i've so much things i need to take note of. *argh* okay, i shan't ramble so much. finished the crisis of communism in china today, finally. whew. but that's not the bulk of it. i haven't touched the remaining 7/8 of my paper 2 history syllabus for the promos. oh yes, not to mention the remainder of my math, econs, and my lit. argh. i'm so sc_R-Ew_ed! argh. fcuk. [hm, everything i see this word, i'd be reminded of what the newspaper article said about people being able to comprehend the word despite reshuffling]
anyway, spent about 1 hr plus talking to jan..it's been a long while, and i don't regret spending 1 hr less on studying to talk to u! haha!
that place really brings back wonderful memories. well, some wonderful, and some not so wonderful. those days when sher and i would sit in our corners, listening to discmans, that period of time, i remember i was listening to mendelssohn's italian symphony cos yo was playing it at the end-of-the-year concert which i played in, after o levels, so had to familiarise myself with the piece....and i think i lent sher some of my cds as well..haha, i still remember influencing her enough, until she gave up and went to buy her own dvorak's new world symphony cd. and somehow if i said anything to her, she had to remove the earphones, and she'd go, HUH so loudly the whole kfc hears her and i'd always shake my head at her silliness. =) oh and i remember how i marched up to the counter and told the kfc people to lower the volume of the radio, wkrz91.3 (kfc's favourite channel previously) --the people actually obliged, and i think sher didn't know where to hide her face..haha, and i'd always remember that mugger studying for history and biology, studying together was really productive for me at least. that crazy girl has fantastic memory. oh yes, and memorising zao4 ju4 also. wonder if she can still remember them now. (haha, see, she's such good memory, it doesn't give her excuse to 'forget' replying my letter..) but then again,am i the only who forgot? oh no.
of course, the not-so-wonderful memories would also include those times when i was really so stressed and all i could do was sit there and wail and wail to her that i wasn't going to get into the jc of my choice, and even a jc in the 1st place..yeah i was really stressed that time. somehow studying at kfc at btp always gives me the extra boost. hm. kap is too noisy already. kfc is nice, quiet, out-of-the-way, except for occasional spoilt brats who scream and scream and step over each other's shoes to clamber onto those funny horse shaped springs-- what do you call those stuff? which also made me come to the conclusion that i hated kids. noisy irritating creatures.
listening to yanni now. it's good. really good. not as boring as 92.4fm at night and keeps me sufficiently awake. bought the cd for $28.90-- 2 cds in 1..hole in my pocket..but i really needed something to keep myself awake. thoroughly sick of the affirmation cd by savage garden. haha. it worked for a while until i got sick of it. i'm tired of 92.4fm, they play the same old dumb songs every night, which probably explains why i can't stand baroque music with harpsichords. reminds me of the music they play on 92.4fm at night. bach sucks.
by the way, i just archived my page, a little screwed up with my own html. so juz hang in there for a while if u wanna read my archived entries.